How I deflected burnout and became a happier person, full version
… and you can, too, if you follow me on my journey to a happier life. I’m hoping my story inspires you to also make a change in your life, or at least give some inspiration.
I can’t even say anymore what happened or when it happened exactly, but I knew I couldn’t go on like that. I was always a person that used to worry about each and everything, and it wasn’t any different this time, it must have been around 2018. Slowly, but steadily, an indistinct feeling emerged in me, a certain discontent, a lurking sensation, which I couldn’t construe at this time, it just kept spinning my thoughts what all could go wrong in the future, how I should handle this or that situation, or how we — my team and me — should ever finish all tasks in time. And this whole rat race kept going on and on with no way to escape.
I’m working as a product manager, which itself can be a tough job with all the uncertainty and deadlines to stick to. Additionally, I’m also the leader of a whole team of outstanding people — a big and a very fulfilling responsibility, but also very mentally draining at times. Somewhere in all of that, there must have been the root of all my problems …
Me and my pain (body)
I even wondered if this was how depression felt, if burnout lurked around the corner and if I should see a psychologist. At night, after I successfully numbed my conscience with Netflix, I was even afraid to go to bed, as I knew that I needed to get up the next morning again. The feeling didn’t go away either when I woke up in the morning — and actually leaving bed was rather painful at times.
Working itself was better, as I had something to do that kept me busy, while I knew, deep in my heart, that this was the root cause of my pain. I also felt better when I could spend the evenings with my son; he always seemed to have a calming effect on me, being with him almost felt like a drug.
It was apparent to me, that I had an issue, I just didn’t know what to do. Sometimes, I wished to pack it all in, live alone in a cabin in the mountains, and be done with civilization. This wasn’t an option, unfortunately, with a family. Neither was mediation. I tried it, even did it regularly and it seemed to make a difference, it just didn’t, I just kept telling myself. I just wasn’t ready for this spiritual practice yet.
A gateway drug
Eventually, it must have been around 2018 when reading some pieces on Medium. I wasn’t actively looking for advice to deal with my problems, but the universe seemed to have compassion for me and let me discover the book You are a Badass by Jane Sincero. It was some kind of a gateway drug to the world of spirituality — and I still think it’s a great guide. Go, read it, seriously! It can be quite “high-level” at times and you must have a certain belief that there is “something more” out there, but it shows you certain concepts that can make a difference.
Although I now know that this book didn’t have the deep meaning I was looking for, that this wasn’t the straw I could cling to. But it gave me something, that was the matchstick for my spiritual “career”: The Resources at the end, foremost the Books section. So much wisdom, so much more to read and dive in, so much more “mature” stuff.
A stepstone
The book that enabled me to enter the next level of spirituality was The Four Agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz. If you take a look at these “agreements,” they don’t seem to be very spiritual, as they can be seen as general traits to become a better person. They are:
- Be impeccable with your word
- Don’t take anything personally
- Don’t make assumptions
- Always do your best
But as Don Miguel delves into each principle in a separate chapter, they gave me so much more and sparked something in me. Besides, he talks about a lot more, for example, the supreme principle of all salvation, living in the moment.
Similarly, I should only understand much, much later that the fourth principle is actually the most important one, not only in this book but generally in life. But it’s too early for that yet, please keep reading on, you will see later.
The master
The next book I picked was from the master himself, Eckart Tolle, yeah, you guessed it, The Power of Now. The bible of enlightenment, the eye-opener, the ultimate guide. I can remember vividly, lying in my bed, reading for the first time about my thoughts, that there is a second dimension, the thought (the mind), and the thinker (the person behind it). I almost couldn’t believe what I just read, but it made so much sense and described perfectly what’s going on in my, in everybody’s head, and what I, and most people around me, are not even remotely aware of.
I’m not my thoughts, I’m the observer, thinking these thoughts. Or, as Eckart himself puts it:
“We are the formless consciousness behind all that, what can’t be defined, there are no concepts for it.”
Every bit as important for me was the realization that to stop thinking, all I needed to do was to stay in the present moment. The best way to achieve that, I found out, is by focusing on my breath. I know, sounds easier than done, but it planted a seed in me, that should only grow much later.
Sitting still
Roughly at the same time when I discovered The Power of Now, I also started with meditation again, inspired by what I had read in the book. Sadly, I had a totally faulty understanding of it and looked out for something like enlightenment, which of course meditation can also be, but I searched for something like reaching a higher level, even something like entering a state of trance. That meditation is actually not more than practicing presence and remaining in this state as much as possible, I should only learn much later.
Meanwhile, I seemed to handle life a bit better after all I read and experienced, but the big breakthrough still wasn’t there. I kept worrying about the future, ruminated about the past, had days when evening couldn’t come soon enough after work, blamed other people, even blamed myself, took things people said personally and still gossiped about folks and judged everything and everybody without a second thought.
But the seed kept growing and I sometimes experienced some rare glimpses of presence, actually being aware of thoughts, being able to actually enjoy the moment without waiting for the next moment to come already, really having the feeling to spend quality time with my son when being together with him instead of thinking about work, lunch, or anything else but the current moment.
Only when you start to recognize that you are the thinker and almost everything that goes on in your head is nonsense, you actually see what a b***h your mind is and that it either anticipates the future or delves into the past, and totally can’t stand the present. Realizing that was probably the most profound and life-changing event that could occur in my life.
Spirituality 101
Still on my journey for a worry-free life, I gave the next book which was recommended in Sincero’s book — The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra — a try. I have to admit that’s probably one of the most spiritual books I ever read. Some concepts:
- It highlights the importance of being silent — like meditating, watching a sunset, or just smelling the scent of a flower;
- teaches the value of giving and receiving (that it’s actually the same);
- talks about the power of choices and whenever you make one that feels uncomfortable you shouldn’t pursue it at all;
- the importance of acceptance, and that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be, which, for me, is still one the most vital concepts of the book, probably even of one’s entire existence; because the sooner you stop worrying about the future and just accept that everything will exactly turn out as it should, the sooner you will find peace;
- and related, and also critical for me, factoring in uncertainty and that solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem without you worrying even once.
So in itself, it is a perfect guide to live a more calm, peaceful, carefree, and mindful life, and just be a better person. I even made it a routine to read a chapter each day before going to bed and trying to apply it as much as possible the next day. This certainly helped in some situations.
Unfortunately, when needing to deal with all the challenges that approach you daily, it’s all too easy to just forget about these concepts and go into autopilot again. But the book, and trying to stick to its values, seemed to make a difference, as even a colleague told me that I appear to be calmer. The seed kept growing stronger …
A new earth?
Coming back to Eckart Tolle, as I was so amazed by The Power of Now, I searched what else he gave to the world and discovered A New Earth, but I just wasn’t ready for it. While everything in his other book made so much sense, I couldn’t understand much of what he was talking about here. As before, with meditation, it turns out I just wasn’t ready for it yet. Tolle even talks about this very problem in the book, that you will only understand the concepts when you are actually content to do so.
At the same time, I couldn’t let go of The Power of Now and it amazed me so much that I even bought the audiobook to be able to listen to the concepts when being on the way, exercising, or doing chores. And only now what was said seemed to make a difference, as if everything entered my brain directly through my ears instead of needing to take a detour through my eyes.
Side note: A much shorter and easier to digest version of The Power of Now is Practicing the Power of Now. It highlights all the vital concepts from the other book but is much more approachable.
Challenging times
It must have been early 2019 already when I was ready to welcome a bit more uncertainty to my life. At my job, we had a very difficult and challenging project running at this time, and basically, until the very last moment, we didn’t know if we could finish it properly, so uncertainty was my constant companion. We already did everything possible to bring the project to a successful end — so what else can you do than doing the best, and there is nothing left than acceptance, welcoming uncertainty, and letting God, the Mother Lode, the Universe, Karma, or whatever you call the power that connects everything, take over.
With that, I also came back to The Four Agreements and its fourth principle, to “always do your best.” So, what initially only seemed to be a general principle for life turned out to have a much deeper meaning and is at the core of all acceptance.
Coming back to the challenging project I mentioned earlier: Do you think, did something bad happen in the end? Guess what, not at all. We delivered on time and most things even worked as expected (you know, certain bugs in software development can never be ruled out). So — what was it now, hard work, the Universe, or a combination? I will never know, but I believe more and more it’s easier to hand off to a higher power, while still giving your best, so there is no excuse for doing crappy work.
Not there yet
I still had periods (sometimes longer, sometimes shorter) when I struggled with life, with everything that waited for me that I couldn’t control much, and I struggled greatly with it, but the more I listened to Practicing the Power of Now, the more I became aware what was going on in my head and how I could control it. But it should still take another year until noticed a shift in my mind, in my perception, in my relationship with the world.
In the following time, I had a kind on-off relationship with meditation. I did it for several months, still not being enlightened, until I totally stopped, as I couldn’t get anything out of it (at least I thought it). I only realized now how stupid that was and how much I wasted my life (while watchting Netflix instead). This should have been okay, basically, as even Tolle says in his book, that if you decide to sit on a park bench, doing nothing, that you need to fully “go into it” and don’t feel any guilt — which I just couldn’t accept.
Growing strong
There was always this nagging feeling in my head that said that I shouldn’t watch Netflix but rather do something productive, being active instead of passive. But I became pretty good at ignoring it — and, I also know now, things happen exactly when they are supposed to happen, not any sooner, only then you can bring in the harvest.
Which also applied to the seed that was growing inside of me — which, meanwhile, sprouted into a strong spike that was more and more capable of defying even strong winds, not letting itself bend down, but always arose again. This also allowed me to get into meditation again and finally grasp what it’s all about. It’s not more than practicing awareness, ensuring to stay in the current moment, to be open to everything that life may throw at you, that requires you to be present, acting instead of reacting, staying calm instead of bursting out ranting.
Meditation 101
The key is, I learned more and more and this couldn’t be simpler, to focus on your breath. Either on the sensation itself or on a point in your body where you can feel your breath, like your nose, feeling cold air flowing in and warm air flowing out, your belly, rising and lowering, or the tiny breaks between inhaling and exhaling. Whenever a thought comes into your mind, disturbing you in this process, notice it, feel it, and then let it go. See it like a cloud passing by in the sky. You spot it, even appreciate it, but then let go and focus on the clear sky again. The sky is your awareness, every cloud a thought.
Especially if you are not very experienced yet, a mediation app can help you to go into the flow and learn how to best approach this practice. One I’ve been quite digging lately is Calm. It not only gives you a daily meditation but offers quite several different topics, for example sleeping better or how to deal with fears. Because sitting still, even if it’s just for five minutes, can be very hard for the untrained mind.
If nothing else, set an alarm clock so that you are not disturbed by another thought when it’s over already. I’m by far no master at meditating yet, but I think I’m progressing quite well and learning to accept, become calmer and be more present with every session.
Again and again
It was 2020 meanwhile and I kept listening to the Practicing the Power of Now whenever I could, to rehearse all the concepts and cement them into my head repeatedly; the more I heard, the more I understood what meditation is, what mindfulness is, what acceptance is, what life is not (not the past or the future) and how to escape the mind’s little tricks.
I learned, if I don’t remind myself constantly about the importance of being present and how to achieve it, my mind takes over again and I fall into the same patterns again. Generally, the more I meditate, the better I become at it, the more I enjoy it, the more I even look forward to it. While it was a tedious chore once, it becomes more of a welcome amusement with every new day and I even started to do it twice a day, in the morning and evening. It also taught me that breath generally is a very powerful instrument, to anchor yourself in the present moment, to get back to it, to stay there.
I even discovered A New Earth again and gave it another try, and you know what, finally everything made sense. Also consuming it as an audiobook, I could digest it much better, all the concepts seeming to be so logical at once. Buy it, start with it; if it doesn’t make sense, stop it, don’t worry. You will eventually come back to it when you are ready, as I was.
I also see, the more I read it, that it summarizes all the concepts of the other books I mention here, and all other spiritual writings I came across. So, when you are ready for A New Earth, you can see it as a one-stop shop for spirituality at large. I constantly come back to this book and I learn something new every time I read passages from it.
Eckart Tolle’s writings also helped me to develop a superpower, which grows the more I read, listen, learn: now I can basically switch between thinking and being in the present moment whenever I please. I delve into thoughts, I become aware, and I go back to the present easily. I mostly don’t stay there for long, but I can at least escape it as much as possible. And being aware of what’s going on all the time in your head is the first and very most important step to mental freedom and enlightenment.
The first step
Still, everything is by far not fine yet: my heart keeps pounding sometimes, I still wake up at 4:30 am in the morning without a chance to fall asleep again. And so far, meditation wasn’t able to help here. But I learned to accept instead of worrying that I may not get enough sleep (and even use the extra time to medidate, this is what a call a win-win situation).
On the other hand, where meditation was able to help: I don’t react so impulsively to certain events anymore — somebody blaming me, trying to cause impatience or a reason to burst out –, I’m much more able to control such reactions, acting instead of reacting. There are still moments when I just can’t control myself, when I’m really impatient, can’t hold back and blather at my wife or son, or I’m so much trapped in my thoughts and just can’t seem to escape.
The best teacher
Actually, whenever I approach a situation where I can’t hold back, I see that my son is the best teacher. I used to be such an impatient dad — I’m still sometimes –, but every time this happens, I see it as a lesson, to not react as I used to react, so stay calm, to use this small moment between the trigger and the reaction, to actually do nothing, to accept.
Generally, at least I feel like it, I’m a much more patient, forgiving, understanding, and calmer and kind person, which also helps me vastly in my job, as a leader, as I have to take care of others and treat them well. I avoid blaming as much as possible, try to be understanding instead, aim to be patient, humble, and selfless — and at least from the reactions of my team I think I’m succeeding quite well. I’m also much more resilient, don’t worry too much about the future anymore, or compare myself to other people — one of the most dangerous things one can do, because there is only one way here: to lose.
Boring, odd, repetitive
Especially when doing chores, I catch myself often rushing to the next moment instead of appreciating the current moment, even if it’s something as profane and boring as tidying up or cleaning the house. Where I wouldn’t have even noticed what’s going on before, I’m able to almost stop my thoughts and drag myself back into the present now. Instead of waiting for the next moment to come, I’m enjoying myself at what I’m doing, as Tolle puts it so well.
I generally try to accept situations and people as they are. Before, I used to say “Unbelievable, it’s Friday again, where did all the time go?”, but now I see that it is just a day with a name, one of many others, just a meaningless label. As long as I enjoy each day to the max, each moment as it happens without judging, be in the moment instead of hurdling to the next, it doesn’t matter if it’s Monday, Sunday, or Wednesday, or January, June, or December already, no matter if I’m exercising, cleaning the house, being with my family, cleaning my teeth, reading a book, or, yes, working at my day job.
What I also learned, and what Tolle repeats multiple times in The Power of Now, is that if you approach a situation you don’t like, it’s actually quite easy to handle it, and there are just three possible ways: Improve it, change it, or leave it. If you can’t do either, accept it, fully go into it, feel it, make the best out of it. Everything else is madness. Don’t ruminate about it, don’t delve into it, don’t attach yourself to it.
I always used to be somebody who was searching for something, who was never satisfied with the situation at large, with his job, with his car, with his house, whatever. But now I seem to finally know where life is heading for me, I finally seem to see who I really am, I finally seem to start aligning my inner purpose — being present — to my outer purpose, to go with the flow of life, to not resist anymore, to accept what life is offering me.
I finally seem to be able to see the flowers at the wayside, the stars in a clear night, hear birds really calling, finally seem to really feel sunlight on my skin, without blinders, as if all these sensations are really happening. Or at least, I get a small taste of how things are really meant to be, with most of the fog of my mind gone. Because, you know, the mind is still a b***h.
